Who am I? Perhaps no other question sits deeper in the unconscious of a human being than this one. We do not recognize its presence. We subconsciously avoid acknowledging it. We even forget it exists. And yet, it sits there, its presence, unavoidable.
I became consciously aware of this question for the first time when I was a twelve-year-old boy, walking down a tiny street in Venice, Italy, where I lived. Suddenly, I had this strange feeling of being enclosed in a kind of glass bubble, protected and separated, even as I walked.
Who am I! What is going on here? Who is walking this street? The questions may not have been so clear, but they were moving currents under the surface of my perception of myself and of the world I inhabited.
Jump forward fourteen years. In another town in Italy, another night, talking to a friend, I heard myself utter for the first time, consciously- “The most important and fundamental thing in my life is to find out who I am.” Surprise! What did I just say?
Those words sealed the deal between me and Life. Since then, this question tops my daily list of to-dos/ reflections, and Self-inquiry has become the thread that weaves through my days.
The practice of Self-inquiry is a deep dive into one’s inner world. The first step is for the seeker to focus consciously on any object that may appear in their consciousness in the present moment. The object could be material or non-material (a thought, an image). The second step is to move the attention from the observed object to the observer. In other words, to the subject who is aware of the object, all objects. When I do the Self-inquiry with the question Who am I? I follow what is traditionally known as Via Negativa, or ‘Neti Neti’ as defined in Indian mysticism – Not This, Not That. The practice involves the continuous elimination of the identification with any object. I am not the hands that are typing. I am not the eyes that see the letters, and the movement. I am not the thought that is passing by or the feeling or the sensation, and so on.
When the compulsive and unconscious identification with ever-changing objects starts to melt, the seeker finally begins to land in the here-now, in pure presence. Now, the frustration of not knowing becomes obvious and even unbearable, and at this point, the third step becomes essential- a direct inquiry into the observer. The focus shifts completely to the Who, letting go of the infinite number of ‘whats’ that have been crowding consciousness and self-reflection.
Who is aware of everything that appears in consciousness? Who is the subject here
Through the centuries, many have answered the Who am I? question, all arriving at the same ultimate direct experience- I am me. I am that. I am. Am-ness. Pure, direct, unequivocable presence. Without anything attached to it.
The Bible also says, “And God said unto Moses, I Am That I Am: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I Am hath sent me unto you” (Exodus 3:7–8, 13–14).”
My own breakthrough happened in India decades ago during a Satori retreat in Pune, in Osho’s commune. For three consecutive days and nights, I was immersed in the question Who am I? when suddenly I had a glimpse, a direct experience! It was glorious, exciting, humbling, and in fact, quite simple. I had a feeling I deserved it.
In the spring of 1988 at the commune, during the series of discourses Yaa-Hoo: The Mystic Rose, Osho threw at us a new, even more radical question- Who is in?
The Who am I? question is in fact, very direct, confronting and uncompromising. It relates immediately to one’s sense of identity. The ‘I’ is ever-present, vertical, inescapable, potent, and alluring. On the other hand, when we ask Who is in? my experience is one of shifting sands, dunes swept by wind, melting within my grasp, liquid consciousness, and no boundaries that can contain it or me, no inside, and no outside.
Try this. First ask yourself Who am I? Stay with the question, let go of any tension towards an answer. Notice the atmosphere as that ‘I’ resonates. Notice what happens in your body. And then move to the other question, Who is in? Who is in? Who is in?
Whatever left-over sense of grandiosity or accomplishment might be hiding in the realization of I AM, is annihilated, erased. What is left is a disappearance, an aloneness, just the vastness of the Mystery. There is nobody inside. Who is in? Leaves one gasping, exhaling, suspended in nothingness, in an Is-ness that swallows the Am-ness.
A vacuum where meaning, purpose and identity radically dissolve. Who is in? is the ruthless, merciless sword that erases any and every answer, and finally erases itself. Leaving the seeker free even from the question.
A sudden jump happens from the Unknown into the Unknowable! A plunge that makes us directly experience non-dual Unity consciousness, Satori.
And, paradoxically, as the ‘I’ disappears, You Are, All Is, and the heart rejoices. We are complete, and free.
Comments